I sit on the bathroom floor. The shower liner needs to be replaced because it’s old and falling apart. I bought a new one at Big Lots but it seems like such a huge task to switch it. I stare at the scale. I should weigh myself. I’m hungry. Surely I’ve lost a few more pounds.

I clean the kitchen counters. Empty the dishwasher. Stare out the window. I would love to take a walk on the trail but I worry who I’ll run into. I don’t feel like dealing with human interaction.

My room is messy. I tell myself that not everyone is neat freak and it’s okay to have a messy room. I mean, who sees it but me? It doesn’t matter. But it does. That shower liner matters. The kitchen counters matter. Walking matters. Everything matters. I’m tired.

I was big into fruit infused water. I prepared it daily. It’s a chore now. It sits on my computer desk, some water and lemon still in it. The lemon is probably eating through the Walmart plastic. I don’t care. I can’t make myself care.

Do I want to care?

I’m so “on” at work that I turn myself off when I leave. I’ve become an amazing actor. Where’s my Academy Award? Where’s my fucking award?

I’m tired.

I think I could love you.

you are uncertainty

and I search inside of me

I need some kind of map

we don’t know what to say

I suggest parting ways

you tell me that’s a trap

it takes two to do this dance

a tangled spotlight ballroom romance

and I only want your hand

I don’t know what’s true

but I think I could love you

I don’t ask for proof

because I think I could love you

we understand that this could send us over the edge

Tell me you know it too

I think I could love you

I am an angry child

jaded and running wild

never putting down my fists

you are a carefree soul

spirited and unpredictable

every swing at you is a miss

lead me across the floor

we can’t keep from wanting more

this all I’ve been waiting for

I don’t know what’s true

but I think I could love you

I don’t ask for proof

because I think I could love you

we understand that this could send us over the edge

Tell me you know it too

I think I could love you

I search your eyes

I read your lips

I trace you with my fingertips

until I know it wholeheartedly

Darling, I think you could love me

I know what’s true

I think I could love you

There’s no need for proof

I think I could love you

we understand that we’re falling over the edge

you know it too

and I know I love you

lonely heart.

a lonely heart still beats, sometimes quiet, sometimes hard and strong

blood forcing itself down narrow streets in a skyscraper with limbs

a soul that wanders down any boulevard looking for shelter

rain that never stops, sometimes soft, sometimes wild and sweeping

a lonely heart navigating the storm, self conscious and unsure

pushing forward with steady hope of calmer days ahead

a love that doesn’t extinguish, even in the darkest of hours

longing that always lingers, sometimes faint, sometimes bright and radiating

lonely heart, where are you taking me?

lonely heart, where have we gone?

lonely heart, where are you placing me?

lonely heart, are you ready to move on?

Waltz.

I tread carefully because I’ve been here before

burdened and willfully broken down

your hands are too smooth against the rough edges

your yellow brick road is too tempting to follow

I am running, running so fast and so hard

This race that doesn’t need to be won

I am searching for a finish line that doesn’t exit

and you’re extending your arms as I sprint

I am only me and sometimes I barely exist

You are only you and I resist your feelings

I am pieces of a puzzle misunderstood

You can’t replace my bad with your good

just breathe

I have practiced this waltz in a full-length mirror

moves calculated and precise

your intervention is too kind to give attention to

your heart is too full to filter through

I am flying, flying so high and so far

uncharted skies on an uninhibited trajectory

I need to soar high to fall hard

and your parachute won’t provide me safety

I am only me and sometimes I’m a mess

You are only you and I resist your patience

I am a lock that your key won’t fit into

You can’t open doors that you’re not welcome to walk through

just breathe

I am disappearing

this much is true

and you are fading from my view

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t hold onto you

but I’m searching for that finish line

that I’ve longed for

I am only me and nothing more

You are only you and deserve more

Stop trying to fix what can’t be repaired

Let yourself come up for air

and just breathe

just breathe

I am only me

I am only…me

Words.

I aim empty questions at you

and watch smoke come from your mouth

I marvel at the way…you articulate your case

I count the seconds for you

and pray for time to stand still

a slow motion train wreck…connected disconnect

and it’s an oxy moron

no you’re just a moron

wait what did you say?

these words make no sense…and you have no defense

your filler is all killer

and you slayed it again

who am I to stand in your way?

your words have dug your grave

I roll out the red carpet for you

and let you do your dances

you’re all hollow limbs and private glances

I cannot wear the cape this time

you’ll have to save yourself

told lies to the clock and now time will tell

and it’s an oxy moron

no you’re just a moron

wait what did you say?

these words make no sense…and you have no defense

your filler is all killer

and you slayed it again

who am I to stand in your way?

your words have dug your grave

your story is sorely boring

I’m snoring away

your tale is told

this shit is getting old

and there’s nothing left to say

and it’s an oxy moron

no you’re just a moron

wait what did you say?

these words make no sense…and you have no defense

your filler is all killer

and you slayed it again

who am I to stand in your way?

your words have dug your grave

Masquerade.

my charm wears thin around your neck like a weight

I’ve spun every tale that I have in my storybook

your eyes glaze over into mirrors that show my cracks

so I drop my guns empty at your feet

I paint the prettiest portrait of who I think you want me to be

but I’m just a watercolor mess

a Mona Lisa fraud

and with those rose colored glasses you might not see right through me

I’ve trapped you in this perpetual masquerade ball

we dance and float high above those who’ve lost

but the more your fingers press into my skin

the more you’ll feel the hollow skeleton within

I sculpt the perfect rendition of the god you need me to be

but my thoughts are undone

a false Rodin

and with your kaleidoscope my angles are rendered more obscene

I can tie you up with these golden threads

but my masterpiece is stolen by the words I’ve said

I paint the prettiest portrait of who I think you want me to be

but I’m just a watercolor mess

a Mona Lisa fraud

and with those rose colored glasses you might not see right through me

I sculpt the perfect rendition of the god you need me to be

but my thoughts are undone

a false Rodin

and with your kaleidoscope my angles are rendered more obscene

we dance and we float high above this destruction

but the more your fingers press into my skin

the more you’ll feel my hollow skeleton

the more you’ll feel nothing