Thanksgiving.

Just a quick note to all of the positive forces in my life, be that people or places or events...I'm thankful for you, each and every day.

Affliction.

I trace the pattern of raindrops on your window

while you sleep next to me

I left my dignity somewhere between fate and hypocrisy

and wound up in your arms

I can’t deny that I hate myself for this

and you’ll never understand

that I never wanted to lose myself

even though you said “you can”

my adult decisions are wavered

by my lack of inhibition

and here I lay

on display

a victim of your affliction

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

I look in your eyes for some trace of commitment

but I come up empty

I long for those words that will end our confusion

but I fear the reality

I can’t deny that I’m not at my best

but you don’t see

that the reason I came here

was so I could forget my misery

my adult decisions are wavered

by my lack of inhibition

and here I lay

on display

a victim of your affliction

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

I’m truly on the edge of what could and could never be

and the only hand to pull me up is full of your broken words and promises empty

my adult decisions are damaged

by my ignorance of heart

do I walk away?

or do I stay…

and tear myself apart?

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

Poison.

Negative relationships aren't good for anyone. Here's a song I wrote during the Halloween snowstorm.

take me down to the river

make me drink from the water

they say I’ll metamorphasize

they say I’ll be divine

and I’ll follow it

I’ll follow your words

tell me something that is concrete

let the lies wash over me

they say I’ll change into a butterfly

they say I’ll be divine

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

blindfold me as you lead me into

the darkness that surrounds you

they say I’ll understand when I’m knee deep in it

they say I’ll feel whole again

and I’ll follow it

I’ll follow your words

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

there’s no antidote

for the venom I’ve consumed

I’ve consumed

oh, I’ve consumed

take me down to the river

make me drink from the water

I’ve always followed so I deserve this

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

there’s no antidote for me

no antidote for me

just a taste

they say I’ll change into a butterfly

they say I’ll be divine

Black holes and stars.

Some days I wake up in a panic. My heart is racing and my mind is sprinting toward the finish line in some sort of self-deprecating marathon. My self esteem is in the trash can and my outlook on life is as bright as a black hole. These mornings I reach for my pills.

I had one of those dreams again. They don’t happen often…the ones where I see him. In this one I ran into him in a restaurant. I saw an empty table and somehow I knew that he had been sitting there. I turned to flee the establishment and the potential awkward encounter and there he was, right behind me.

My heart breaks a little. Not because I miss him. I feel like “we” served our purpose but I miss those moments that made me believe that someone could love me, because I never felt worthy of someone else’s love. We were not a good match at all, but I can clearly remember fragments of time where our connection felt like the universe itself had taken its hands and bound us together with an invisible rope made of stars, hope, and dedication.

I remember when I would cook or bake. He’d be right there beside me. He’d clean up behind me. Be the taster. And he always loved everything. Maybe in reality he didn’t, but he made me believe that he did. For someone with such fragile self esteem, it was like two warm arms wrapping around me to let me know that I wasn’t as broken as I thought I was. It was a gentle voice saying that I deserved love and acceptance.

I was bitter about a lot of things when our relationship ended. Most of those things were influenced by personal demons that I’ve carried around since childhood. He wasn’t the bad guy. He was kind and supportive, and did the best he could with someone who a lot of the time was a destructive hurricane of emotion.

I’m by no means a “glass half full” type of person. I’m still repairing damage that was dealt to me many years ago, but the connection that I was able to make with one person offers me a glimpse of hope that there’s something beautiful within me. I’m not all fractured bones and broken puzzle pieces.

Gary Zukav said, “Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.”  Love started to heal my battle wounds. I’ll remain forever grateful for being graced with its presence. Perhaps I’ll find that kind of love again one day.

Until then I’ll hold onto that invisible rope and remember those stars that I carried in my heart.

21 things I want in a lover. Okay, maybe more than that but Alanis was onto something.

Let's be honest. How many of us are out there searching for that perfect person? The so-called "soulmate"? We're all guilty of fantasizing about those cinematic moments where we're running through meadows into the arms of some handsome stranger and everything is beautiful and shiny and perfect.

Unfortunately, the real world isn't quite as pretty.

We juggle things like careers, kids, hopes, and dreams. We make friends with a word called compromise. But what if you could find a lover who fit all of the criteria that you've had bouncing around in your head for years?

I came across a website that talked about how to find true love.  It asked that you make a list of what your ideal partner would look like, act like, love like. What physical attributes would they have? What would their hobbies be? How would they interact with the world around them?

Okay, I was intrigued. I’ve had some unsuccessful attempts at dating and I wondered if maybe I wasn’t looking for the right kind of person. The kind of person that fit most of my wants and needs.

So here’s how it works. You make a list. Anything and everything off of the top of your head. Then you go back and evaluate each thing you wrote down.  For each quality/trait you list you ask yourself if you’d rather be alone than be with a person who didn’t fit that. If you’d rather be alone than that’s marked as a Minimum Requirement. Once you’re finished you filter through your MRs. You wonder to yourself that if your ideal person had all of your other MRs, could you let this one go? If you could then you cross it out.

The end list is rather interesting. Wonder what mine looks like?

• My height (5’10”) or taller
• Nice hair- not balding
• Good smile- warm, welcoming
• Spiritual is okay, NO organized religion (MR)
• Reasonable with money, does not spend beyond means (MR)
• NOT materialistic, brand names do not matter (MR)
• Artistic to some degree (Art, writing, music) (MR)
• Will take an active interest in my artistic pursuits  (MR)
• 21-32 years old
• Intelligent (MR)
• Handy
• Great sense of humor- can laugh at anything (MR)
• Attentive (MR)
• Great listener and can read between the lines (MR)
• Patient (MR)
• Compassionate (MR)
• Giving (MR)
• Not a dog person / likes cats
• Non-smoker / no drugs, marijuana is not okay (MR)
• Outgoing / social (MR)
• Weight isn’t important- it’s how you carry it and your self confidence
• Preferably Caucasian
• Dark hair / light eyes
• Loves movies, especially horror, romance, and independent films (MR)
• Enjoys traveling (MR)
• Can spell and appreciates proper grammar (MR)
• Has tattoos and piercings
• Loves food, likes to cook (MR)
• Not into hunting
• Thinks in a more liberal way, okay with things like evolution and pro-choice (MR)
• Enjoys music, preferably not country (MR)
• Appreciates the simple things in life
• Wants kids (MR)
• Likes flowers
• Not really into sports
• Has an open and accepting family (MR)
• Can balance a career and a relationship
• Is open about his sexual preference (MR)
• Can openly and honestly communicate feelings (MR)
• Likes walks in the park
• Does not want to settle in Hagerstown (MR)

(MR= Minimum Requirement)

So there you have it. That’s my current list. It changes as I change. Even some of my MRs can be negotiated if someone completely blows me away. Still waiting on that.

I challenge you…what would your list look like?