Neptune.

somewhere orbiting

lost in somebody else’s dream

floating minutes away

from my supernova

I caught a glimpse

of the gods laughing

here on Neptune, I am rising

here on Neptune, I am

somewhere changing

feeling the effects of gravity

on the brink of

a big bang

I hear the gods are

placing bets on me

here on Neptune, I am rising

here on Neptune, I am

here on Neptune, I am something

like you’ve never seen, in the galaxy

I owe debt to poseidon

I never paid my dues

I can barely see titan as it circles me

but I know the gods are watching..

somewhere orbiting

I got lost in somebody else’s dream

I hear you’re placing bets on me

here on Neptune, I am rising

here on Neptune, I am

here on Neptune, I am something

like you’ve never seen

like you’ve never seen

like you’ve never seen

neptune

Savior (I Knew You Wouldn't Love Me).

this skin stretches so I tear it off

and lay it at your feet

I dig around inside myself

have my own personal meet and greet

see I knew you wouldn’t love me

if I let you see right through

so I painted my skin and dyed my hair

so you’d never find the truth

I’m not your savior

get off your knees

I’m not perfect

and I never promised to be

I’m not your protector

this sword is too big

this boy in shining armor

outgrew clothing fit for your king

no, I’m not your savior

no matter how much I’d like to be

I stifle all my uniqueness

and hide among the sheep

I’m afraid if you see my true colors

your wolf would destroy me

see I knew you wouldn’t love me

if I held you in my arms

so I bound my hands with unspoken words

to shelter you from harm

I’m not your savior

get off your knees

I’m not perfect

and I never promised to be

I’m not your protector

this sword is too big

this boy in shining armor

outgrew clothing fit for your king

no, I’m not your savior

no matter how much I’d like to be

and you say I can be anything I want to be

but I don’t know what I want to be

when you’re standing over me

see I knew you wouldn’t love me

if I let you see right through

oh I knew you wouldn’t love me

if I told you the truth

I’m not your savior

get off your knees

I’m not perfect

and I never promised to be

I’m not your protector

this sword is too big

this boy in shining armor

outgrew clothing fit for your king

no, I’m not your savior

no matter how much I’d like to be

no matter how much I’d like to be

no matter how much I’d like to be

no matter how much I’d like to be

A letter to myself.

I opened my mailbox and I found this letter. It comes from deep within. A brutally personal space. What would yours say?

We don’t speak as candidly as we should, you and I. We avoid each other in a perpetual dance and I’ve grown tired of hiding from your questions. Hiding from your cries for help.

I’m sorry for the pain that you carry. The burdens that you bear. The weights that were tied to your limbs long ago, when you were still barely a seed. I’m sorry for their words, cold and sharp like knives. I’m sorry you bled for so long. I wanted to protect you but I didn’t possess the strength. I didn’t know how to shield you when my own sword wasn’t battle ready. You never deserved the darkness that always hovered above you, threatening to dim your beautiful light. Your parents should have taken you by the hand and led you through adversity. You shouldn’t have tried to hold your own. Your father should have never told you that you wouldn’t matter. That you weren’t good enough. That you were the paradigm of disappointment. Those kids at school shouldn’t have ridiculed and attacked you every day of your young life. God, that light was so promising. How could no one see it?

I saw it, Matt.

I’m sorry for those moments when you looked in the mirror and told yourself how much you hated what you saw. I heard those insults. Insults you’d absorbed from others. A language that became your inner voice. I was on the other side of that mirror and I kept screaming to you. DON’T GIVE UP. But I watched you lose pieces of yourself, a little more each day. I’ve saved those pieces for you and I’ve been waiting for the right time to show you.

I want to show you, Matt.

I need you to see your potential. That light that I’ve always seen. That character, fierce and bold. Glorious and true. A force of energy that can change this world. A force of energy that’s meant to change this world.

I love you, Matt.

This will seem foreign to you. You will resist my help. But you deserve love. You deserve praise for your talents. You deserve kind words. You deserve a shoulder to lean on when you’re tired of standing.

Go write. Sing. Speak. Create. Be. I will be there when you publish a book or a story. I will be there when you sing at a coffee shop for the first time. I will be there when your words and laughter change someone else’s world forever. I will be there when your sun finally shines through the clouds that have sheltered you for so long.

And I will bask in that light.

Sink or Swim.

I’ll try to hold your gaze a minute longer

while dusk melts into black

I’m leaving you with a box of memories

but I’d like my heart back

see he and I have some work to do

to mend his broken seams

but don’t worry about the future dear

go on with your leaving

go on with your leaving

I’ll be the paradigm of quiet resilience

as night falls, I’ll count the stars

I’ll wander down our broken boulevards

I’ll burn this city, destroy this town

I’ll watch it as its crumbling down

I’ll let you go, I’ll set me free

throw away all we used to be

the dawn is breaking, the day is new

what once was one now is two

I’ll learn to keep a healthy distance

so we both can heal

but a million goddamn miles

wouldn’t make this any less real

my broken heart needs a little help

his beat is off rhythm

but don’t worry about my recovery

let me sink or swim

let me sink or swim

I’ll be the epitome of subdued strength

as night falls, I’ll count the stars

I’ll wander down our broken boulevards

I’ll burn this city, destroy this town

I’ll watch it as its crumbling down

I’ll let you go, I’ll set me free

throw away all we used to be

the dawn is breaking, the day is new

what once was one now is two

the five stages of grief are my new companions

you always hated that I made friends so easily

but this isn’t company I wanted to keep

I just wanted you right here next to me

it’s sink or swim

as night falls, I’ll count the stars

I’ll wander down our broken boulevards

I’ll burn this city, destroy this town

I’ll watch it as its crumbling down

I’ll let you go, I’ll set me free

throw away all we used to be

the dawn is breaking, the day is new

what once was one now is two

Two songs....blasts from the past.

I wrote these years ago...during my bitter phase. I was also listening to a lot of Avril. Good times.

YOU’RE JUST A KID

I didn’t date you for that long

and you’re ready to settle down

you don’t even know what you want

to know you’ve gotta get around

you haven’t experienced life

only in the movies

you’ve got some growing up to do

learn to say what you mean

I’m not trying to be a bitch

I’m not trying to hurt your feelings

but this overwhelming eagerness

isn’t all that appealing

you need to learn boundaries

and respect a thing called “space”

try coming out to your family

and hanging out with people your own age

you think you’re special

you think all the guys want you

and I think you want them to

yeah, you think you’re the shit

you’re just a kid

you’re just a kid

I’m so over it

‘cause you’re just a kid

who doesn’t know, doesn’t know

what love is

well I tried to walk away

I tried to make it clear

but you couldn’t seem to take the hint

and make yourself disappear

I don’t care what you’re doing

and I don’t care who you’re with

maybe they really like you

maybe they like to babysit

so don’t call me on the phone

on a Saturday night

and ask me to hang out

just so you can start a fight

you try to make me feel crappy

I hear you’re good at guilt trips

but that would require me to care

and frankly I don’t give a shit

you think you’re the victim

you think everyone will listen

I think you should wake up

yeah, you think you’re the shit

you’re just a kid

you’re just a kid

I’m so over it

‘cause you’re just a kid

who doesn’t know, doesn’t know

what love is

I hear you think you knew me

oh, I think you’re wrong

why don’t you just shut the hell up

and go back to Abercrombie

because that’s where you belong

yeah, you think you’re the shit

you’re just a kid

you’re just a kid

I’m so over it

‘cause you’re just a kid

who doesn’t know, doesn’t know

what love is

‘cause you’re just a kid

yeah, you’re just a kid

who doesn’t know what love is

oh

what love is

EVERY OTHER

look at me

I’m up in the club

can’t you see I’ve been working out

and god my ass looks great

I bet you’re impressed

and how my tshirt hugs my body

and I bet you’re feeling naughty

just looking at me

oh people like this make me want to choke on my spit

I’m so over it

I’m so over this shit

‘cause you’re just like every other

guy that comes along, telling me you like my songs

yeah you’re just like every other

I think it’s kinda lame

that you all tend to be the same

wait a minute

I think you passed me by

you obviously did not see

my exquisite new Armani everything

don’t try to look away

did you see these biceps?

and my sculpted calves?

I bet you wanna lick chocolate sauce off my washboard abs

oh people like this make me want to choke on my spit

I’m so over it

I’m so over this shit

‘cause you’re just like every other

guy that comes along, telling me you like my songs

yeah you’re just like every other

I think it’s kinda lame

that you all tend to be the same

people like you make me want to carve my eyes out with a fork

what’s all the trouble for

when you’re just gonna be another stupid whore?

‘cause you’re just like every other

guy that comes along, telling me you like my songs

yeah you’re just like every other

I think it’s kinda lame

that you all tend to be the same

‘cause you’re just like every other

guy that comes along, telling me you like my songs

yeah you’re just like every other

I think it’s kinda lame

that you all tend to be the same

yeah you’re just like every other

you’re just like every other

Story Sample.

This is a small part of a story that's been bouncing around in my head since I was a teenager. I wrote this piece in 2008...the scene appeared in my head and I needed to get it onto paper. I still have this paper 3 years later. I made some minor changes and I'd love some feedback. 

Would this interest you?

Would you continue reading? (Does it contain that sense of urgency that would force you to turn the page?)

Thanks!

The kiss was harder and more urgent than the one we had shared before. His lips tangled with mine as he wove his fingers into my hair, locking my face to his.

There were a thousand different thoughts racing through my head at that moment. What did this mean? How did he feel? How did I feel? What was he thinking? What was I thinking? What about Kevin?

He pressed his body against mine and my mind became a black hole of nothingness, draining all logic down into a dangerous abyss. I wanted to push him away so I could collect myself and analyze this situation, but I stayed with him like a moon would orbit its planet.

When my body was beginning to completely surrender he stopped and pulled away, never losing eye contact. His heavy breathing made me aware of my own. His gaze moved around my face, studying my reaction.

“I want this,” he said, barely more than a whisper.

I wanted to fight him. I wanted to push him away so badly. I had to tell Leander that I didn’t want this. I wanted Kevin. This wasn’t right. Instead, I did nothing.

He placed his hand on my chest. “I want this,” he repeated.

I felt the black hole of nothingness pulling at the edges of my consciousness again. I was fighting a losing battle.

He kissed me again.

This wasn’t fair. I knew right from wrong. I knew that Kevin was at home probably waiting on my phone call. I tried to picture his face, the one that I knew so well, but all I could see was Leander. All I wanted was Leander, this tangled mess of a person whose gravitational pull was lifting me off of the ground and into a foreign galaxy that I didn’t belong in.

The black hole swallowed me as I pushed my lips harder into his.

The one that got away.

I spend a lot of my time drowning in the past and dreaming of the future. It’s not often that you’ll find me completely in the present moment, which is really all we ever have. Tonight, I find myself wandering down memory lane. Stopping at familiar places. Sifting through broken memories and faces that have faded over time. Truths and lies that my ears have heard. Truths and lies that have unwound from that untrustworthy hole in my face.

Ahh, memory lane. So comforting but at times so bittersweet.

A particular memory lingers with me tonight. It slithered into my conscience while I was singing along to Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” on my way home. It involved a really sweet guy and one of the best dates that I’ve ever had. One of the best days I’ve ever had.

It took place in the spring of 2009, shortly before Travis and I became a couple. We were talking but I hadn’t met him yet so nothing was exclusive. I was also chatting with a guy named Tim, that lived near Bel Air if I remember correctly. He was close to my age and did web design for a career. We decided to meet one day and he drove up here to Hagerspatch.

I was nervous, as usual. I have the self-esteem of a morbidly obese thirteen-year-old girl so I was convinced that he wouldn’t be interested in me. Who would be? I’m so flawed.

So, we met at the mall and when I first laid eyes on him he was exactly what I’d hoped he would be. Awkwardly adorable. Unique. Quirky. Incredibly nice. Funny. I turned on the charm hoping he wouldn’t see how insecure and vulnerable I felt. (Because OMG, he was so cute!) My charm worked, as it usually does. After years of bullying and verbal abuse, I’ve learned how to charm people into seeing a less damaged version of myself. It’s a gift I never wanted.

Anyway, we met up and walked around the mall. I told him that he should see the park because it was Hagerstown’s diamond in the rough. We walked around there, talking about anything and everything and I remember feeling such a connection. He was artistic and smart. Appreciated the important things in life. Then it started raining…do you have any idea how badly I wanted to kiss him? It was BAD. But I’m not the type that makes the first move. Insecure people like to be chased. It makes us feel like we’re worthy of someone’s attention. (He also said he rarely kissed on the first date/meeting.)

The rain began to fall harder and we headed back to my vehicle where we sat and listened to music and continued talking about all sorts of random shit. There was one point where he made a comment about making exceptions with kissing on the first date and I thought….OH SHIT, HE WANTS TO KISS ME! Instead of taking this opportunity and running with it, I awkwardly laughed and changed the subject. I regret that. Goddamn do I regret that.

We left the park shortly thereafter and had dinner at Waffle House, because it’s casual and cheap. I took him back to his car, we hugged goodbye, and he left.

Within the next week or so I met Travis, and things moved quickly. I thought of Tim, but things felt so easy with Travis that part of me (that stupid romantic part of me) thought that I had met Travis for a reason so I told Tim that I had met someone. He was pissed at me, as he should have been. He had no idea that I’d been talking to someone else. I guess I should have disclosed that information.

It’s a bridge that I regret burning. Whatever Tim is doing, I hope he’s happy. I know in my heart that he’s a great guy.

The whole point of this trip down memory lane is that if I had made a different choice my life could be very different right now. I made the choice that I thought was right at the time but I always question…what could have been? Did I only choose to walk away because the other relationship that presented itself to me was comfortable and safe? Should I have risked more?

I’ll never know the answers to all of the questions that I ask myself on these trips into the past, but I do know this…there’s always one moment, one person, one connection, one memory that you never forget. No matter what. If I ran into Tim again I would thank him for making me incredibly happy and receptive to the idea that maybe someone would like me for who I really am, even if it was only for one day.

Sometimes it only takes one day.

Thanksgiving.

Just a quick note to all of the positive forces in my life, be that people or places or events...I'm thankful for you, each and every day.

Affliction.

I trace the pattern of raindrops on your window

while you sleep next to me

I left my dignity somewhere between fate and hypocrisy

and wound up in your arms

I can’t deny that I hate myself for this

and you’ll never understand

that I never wanted to lose myself

even though you said “you can”

my adult decisions are wavered

by my lack of inhibition

and here I lay

on display

a victim of your affliction

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

I look in your eyes for some trace of commitment

but I come up empty

I long for those words that will end our confusion

but I fear the reality

I can’t deny that I’m not at my best

but you don’t see

that the reason I came here

was so I could forget my misery

my adult decisions are wavered

by my lack of inhibition

and here I lay

on display

a victim of your affliction

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

I’m truly on the edge of what could and could never be

and the only hand to pull me up is full of your broken words and promises empty

my adult decisions are damaged

by my ignorance of heart

do I walk away?

or do I stay…

and tear myself apart?

I don’t want your hands, I’ll only push them away

I don’t want your advances, they’re more than I can handle today

I don’t want your -what am I saying?

I just want your attention while I’m fraying

one touch away from breaking

one touch away from breaking

Poison.

Negative relationships aren't good for anyone. Here's a song I wrote during the Halloween snowstorm.

take me down to the river

make me drink from the water

they say I’ll metamorphasize

they say I’ll be divine

and I’ll follow it

I’ll follow your words

tell me something that is concrete

let the lies wash over me

they say I’ll change into a butterfly

they say I’ll be divine

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

blindfold me as you lead me into

the darkness that surrounds you

they say I’ll understand when I’m knee deep in it

they say I’ll feel whole again

and I’ll follow it

I’ll follow your words

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

there’s no antidote

for the venom I’ve consumed

I’ve consumed

oh, I’ve consumed

take me down to the river

make me drink from the water

I’ve always followed so I deserve this

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

I’ll be the virus that you seek

I’ll taste your poison

I’ll bite the apple

there’s no antidote for me

no antidote for me

just a taste

they say I’ll change into a butterfly

they say I’ll be divine

Black holes and stars.

Some days I wake up in a panic. My heart is racing and my mind is sprinting toward the finish line in some sort of self-deprecating marathon. My self esteem is in the trash can and my outlook on life is as bright as a black hole. These mornings I reach for my pills.

I had one of those dreams again. They don’t happen often…the ones where I see him. In this one I ran into him in a restaurant. I saw an empty table and somehow I knew that he had been sitting there. I turned to flee the establishment and the potential awkward encounter and there he was, right behind me.

My heart breaks a little. Not because I miss him. I feel like “we” served our purpose but I miss those moments that made me believe that someone could love me, because I never felt worthy of someone else’s love. We were not a good match at all, but I can clearly remember fragments of time where our connection felt like the universe itself had taken its hands and bound us together with an invisible rope made of stars, hope, and dedication.

I remember when I would cook or bake. He’d be right there beside me. He’d clean up behind me. Be the taster. And he always loved everything. Maybe in reality he didn’t, but he made me believe that he did. For someone with such fragile self esteem, it was like two warm arms wrapping around me to let me know that I wasn’t as broken as I thought I was. It was a gentle voice saying that I deserved love and acceptance.

I was bitter about a lot of things when our relationship ended. Most of those things were influenced by personal demons that I’ve carried around since childhood. He wasn’t the bad guy. He was kind and supportive, and did the best he could with someone who a lot of the time was a destructive hurricane of emotion.

I’m by no means a “glass half full” type of person. I’m still repairing damage that was dealt to me many years ago, but the connection that I was able to make with one person offers me a glimpse of hope that there’s something beautiful within me. I’m not all fractured bones and broken puzzle pieces.

Gary Zukav said, “Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.”  Love started to heal my battle wounds. I’ll remain forever grateful for being graced with its presence. Perhaps I’ll find that kind of love again one day.

Until then I’ll hold onto that invisible rope and remember those stars that I carried in my heart.

21 things I want in a lover. Okay, maybe more than that but Alanis was onto something.

Let's be honest. How many of us are out there searching for that perfect person? The so-called "soulmate"? We're all guilty of fantasizing about those cinematic moments where we're running through meadows into the arms of some handsome stranger and everything is beautiful and shiny and perfect.

Unfortunately, the real world isn't quite as pretty.

We juggle things like careers, kids, hopes, and dreams. We make friends with a word called compromise. But what if you could find a lover who fit all of the criteria that you've had bouncing around in your head for years?

I came across a website that talked about how to find true love.  It asked that you make a list of what your ideal partner would look like, act like, love like. What physical attributes would they have? What would their hobbies be? How would they interact with the world around them?

Okay, I was intrigued. I’ve had some unsuccessful attempts at dating and I wondered if maybe I wasn’t looking for the right kind of person. The kind of person that fit most of my wants and needs.

So here’s how it works. You make a list. Anything and everything off of the top of your head. Then you go back and evaluate each thing you wrote down.  For each quality/trait you list you ask yourself if you’d rather be alone than be with a person who didn’t fit that. If you’d rather be alone than that’s marked as a Minimum Requirement. Once you’re finished you filter through your MRs. You wonder to yourself that if your ideal person had all of your other MRs, could you let this one go? If you could then you cross it out.

The end list is rather interesting. Wonder what mine looks like?

• My height (5’10”) or taller
• Nice hair- not balding
• Good smile- warm, welcoming
• Spiritual is okay, NO organized religion (MR)
• Reasonable with money, does not spend beyond means (MR)
• NOT materialistic, brand names do not matter (MR)
• Artistic to some degree (Art, writing, music) (MR)
• Will take an active interest in my artistic pursuits  (MR)
• 21-32 years old
• Intelligent (MR)
• Handy
• Great sense of humor- can laugh at anything (MR)
• Attentive (MR)
• Great listener and can read between the lines (MR)
• Patient (MR)
• Compassionate (MR)
• Giving (MR)
• Not a dog person / likes cats
• Non-smoker / no drugs, marijuana is not okay (MR)
• Outgoing / social (MR)
• Weight isn’t important- it’s how you carry it and your self confidence
• Preferably Caucasian
• Dark hair / light eyes
• Loves movies, especially horror, romance, and independent films (MR)
• Enjoys traveling (MR)
• Can spell and appreciates proper grammar (MR)
• Has tattoos and piercings
• Loves food, likes to cook (MR)
• Not into hunting
• Thinks in a more liberal way, okay with things like evolution and pro-choice (MR)
• Enjoys music, preferably not country (MR)
• Appreciates the simple things in life
• Wants kids (MR)
• Likes flowers
• Not really into sports
• Has an open and accepting family (MR)
• Can balance a career and a relationship
• Is open about his sexual preference (MR)
• Can openly and honestly communicate feelings (MR)
• Likes walks in the park
• Does not want to settle in Hagerstown (MR)

(MR= Minimum Requirement)

So there you have it. That’s my current list. It changes as I change. Even some of my MRs can be negotiated if someone completely blows me away. Still waiting on that.

I challenge you…what would your list look like?